My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
