So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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