This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
