just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
