I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
