I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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