I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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