Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The feeling are messing with the penis
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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