she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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