Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
