Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
