She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
