Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
