I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
