Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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