I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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