He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
