I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am naked and annoyed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
