If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
