He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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