my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
