I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
