she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
