It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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