I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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