Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
