John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
