my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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