There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
