She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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