I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
