I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
