what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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