I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
