Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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