I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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