He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
