He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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