What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
