I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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