Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
