when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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