I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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