Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
