Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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