i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
