GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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