My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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