I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
