textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My feet surprised me
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