He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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