you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
