I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
