Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
smell my finger.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
