I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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