Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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